One Last Roll of a Loaded Dice
by LukesDragon
Summary: Five years ago Kari and Matt fell in love leaving Davis and TK to try and carry on and Tai furious with his then best friend. Now looking back they are all left to wonder just what went wrong. I think it's finished here but never say never
1. The secret diary of Hikari Kamiya aged 1...

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"One Last Roll of a Loaded Dice" by Luke's Dragon

Part I 'The Secret Diary of Hikari Kamiya aged 15 ¾'

Disclaimer

I don't own Digimon in any way shape or form

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Author Notes

Lately I've really been into Yakari pairings, and although I've done a few before I wanted to do another one, so her it is. This first chapter features a slightly older Kari now 20 years old reflecting on her relationship with Yamato. It is in a diary form, so I'm not too sure how it is going to turn out to read, so let me know what you think. This part is all Kari's view on the events. As for Kari's birthday falling on the 26th of April, that just happened to be when I wrote that passage, if any one knows Kari's 'official' birthday and feels upset I've made such a glaring error, then I'm very sorry indeed. The next part will be Matt's view on events so stay turned to Digimon, Digital Monsters. J 

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Kari took one last look around her old bedroom; today she was moving out, leaving home to become her own woman. It was not, she reflected the biggest move ever, she was only going to be a short car trip from her parents, and her brother was also one the same street as her new place. Coupled with the fact that her housemates were all former digi-destined it hardly seemed as if she was going anywhere at all. Sorting through several boxes to find stuff to take with her it amazed Kari that in her life she had collected so much junk, she, like her brother never threw anything away. Old clothes, broken cameras, stuffed toys, now missing most of their fur, all memories, memories she packed away in boxes to take with her. It struck her that so far she had found nothing except for a broken mug and a solitary sock that she wanted to get rid off. Looking through a collection of books Kari smiled; when she had been growing up, reading tales of heroism and true love, she would have never excepted her own experience would eclipse those she had read about. In her life she had saved both the digital world and the real world on several occasions, but true love that was… Kari stooped herself, half excepting to burst into a cheery song she was not in the mood to think of true love, that was another memory she could pack up into a box and keep for a rainy day. Fortune however was not playing by the same rules as her, as she picked up a pile of books a small one with a read leather case fell out, on it in her own hand-writing was the inscription, 'The Secret Diary of Hikari Kamiya aged 15 ¾ Hands Off! This means you Taichi!!!'. She was about to put it back with the rest of the books but decided to have a trip down memory lane, it was however quite deliberate that she turned to the page she did. It all started then, with any luck it could finish there too. With slightly trembling hands Kari turned to the pages where she had fallen in love.

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Thursday April 24

I hate Thursdays! Double math's to end the day, still me and Yolie were able to plan some great ideas for my birthday, we've got some great games planned, although I think it's all a plan to get Izzy to kiss her. I swear for a genius that boy is really thick, he still doesn't notice her no matter what she does. Anyway, I don't see why she's so into him, I'd much rather have someone cute like TK, even Davis would be better, what did I just say. Diary never, ever tell anyone I even thought for a moment about Davis. I hope TK can make it on Saturday, I've started having such strange feelings lately for him, I just hope that he feels the same way, he said he thinks he's busy on Saturday though, I'm his best friend, what could be more important than my birthday? I might have to get Tai and Matt to 'talk' to him, I'm sure they'd enjoy that.

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Friday April 25-ANZAC Day (Australia, New Zealand)

I'm not even sure I should be writing this, if Tai were to read this…But I'm in love with Matt! Stupid I know, I don't even know how it happened, but I've just realized today that I don't want TK, I want Matt.

Me, Yolie and Sora were all discussing our ideal boyfriends, Yolie, predictably said Izzy and Sora said Tai, when they asked me they said, 'it has to be TK'. But it struck me that no I didn't want TK, much as I like him, he'll never be anything more than my best friend, but the qualities in him that I like so much are all there, and more in his brother. I don't know who was the most shocked, me or my friends. I've sworn them to secrecy, even though they're both plotting as we speak, I know I should be shaking, but they were very successful in getting Mimi and Joe together, so if I don't say anything, who knows? Of course Sora's plans do fail as often as they succeed… I'd better sign off for tonight, I hear Tai coming.

Saturday April 26-Arbor Day (US) 

It's currently midday, and I thought I'd write this early, since tonight is my party. So far I've had a really great day, my parents got me a scooter, I could hardly believe it, I thought they were so much against me riding one, it was so nice to hear them say that they thought I was grown up now. To be honest though I was even more surprised with Tai, he got me a really nice top, although it's far to revealing for him to have chosen it he still treats me like a kid…Ah ha, Sora must have chose it for him. I'm really looking forward to tonight, mom and dad are going out and all my friends are coming over, as well as the 'party games' me and Yolie planned, I heard Tai telling Matt that he was not, under any circumstances allowed to bring his 'special drink'. I know he will, Matt would do pretty much anything to annoy Tai. Anyway what is 'Arbor Day'? I've often wondered, but no-one seems to know, even Ken, who is a genius said he didn't know, but he thought it might be to do with the French '_le arbor_' meaning tree, so does my birthday fall on the day Americans celebrate trees in France? Although my diary tells my all these dates it never explains them.

11:48PM

Why am I writing this when the past few hours have been the most action packed of my life? (that didn't involve Digimon) Well in case in years to come I forget what happened tonight, well here goes…

I had decided to wear my new top, Tai said I looked really nice, which I was pleased about, but I couldn't help wishing that a certain other digi-destined had said that.

Everyone came round at about 8:00, apart from Matt, which I was pretty disappointed about, we were all about to eat the cake, on Davis and Tai's request that cake was good so should be eaten first, when Matt turned up, 'fashionably late' as he puts it. We all sat about, doing the usual party things, eating snack food, listening to music, throwing snack foods at people, trying to stop certain people from putting their choice of music on. Anyway it would have been around an hour later when I noticed the 'special drink' Tai had been warning Matt about, it consisted of everything alcoholic Matt and TK had been able to find, all poured into a bottle. The very smell of it made me feel sick, but most of the boys were having a competition to see who could drink the most, this left all of them a little worse for wear. Actually that's a horrific lie, Tai wisely refused to drink any, and Matt and Davis were 'worse for wear'. The rest of them were by now passed out or in Izzy's case talking to a plant, and laughing to himself, I noticed Yolie was looking angry with him, but a few moments later she had taken him off somewhere, I've no idea what happened to either of them. Me and Sora decided to have a game of 'Spin the Bottle' between the six remaining people, this was as she put it phase one of operation 'get Tai and Matt with Sora and Kari'. I know it's a lame operation name, I wanted 'operation phoenix' but never mind that. Sora managed to fix the first spin so she had too snog Tai, which was slightly, no very gross, but the next spin was Matt, and she had assured me that it would land on me. Sora's plan, although having a stupid name worked like a charm, and probably even better than she would have hoped for,. As me and Matt locked lips and I heard Davis offer his customary protest he whispered to me 'I can't believe it took this to make me realize' I was so happy and I now have a boyfriend. 

Something went horribly wrong though, I caught Tai and Matt talking about me, Tai was hassling Matt about kissing me, asking if he'd enjoyed kissing 'my kid sister' and Matt…he said no. He said that he wasn't interested, I felt so upset, so vulnerable that when a slightly drunk Davis asked me, for the sixth time that night if I wanted a birthday kiss, I said yes, and maybe to spite Matt and my brother, I agreed to be 'his girl'. I suppose I could do worse, I mean he's cute, in a puppy sort of way or perhaps that's the effects of Matt's special drink working on me, I only had one sip, I suddenly feel really worried for Izzy.

By the way Ken looked it up on the Internet and he says Arbor Day is a day for planting trees, well at least that's sorted.

Even now it gave her a shiver running down her spine, the memory of that first kiss, that first love seemed so real. Even after everything that had happened since it still felt as if it was only yesterday, still she though, I suppose everyone feels that way about his or her first love, well that's what his songs say anyway.

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Sunday April 27- Freedom Day (South Africa)

I woke up feeling so confused about last night, I felt so sad about what Matt had said, I don't want to just be his best friend's little sister, and that kiss, the emotion I felt had to be real didn't it? I want to be with him so much, but I guess that won't ever happen since he doesn't feel the same way about me.

I called Yolie to see what happen to her last night, and she went really quiet on me, then laughed and said her plan worked perfectly, her and Izzy were a real couple. Combine that with Sora eating my brother's face all night and Mimi and Joe practically being married leave me being the only girl without her ideal man.

Which brings me onto the Davis issue, I know most people think he's a total jerk but… Oh I don't know what I think about him, Yolie said I should make a list of good points versus bad points, so her goes.

GoodBad

He's quite cuteHe's not Matt

He's devoted to meHe's not even TK

He makes me laughHe's a little possessive

He's a really good cookThose goggles have to go

He's popularHe likes football

Tai likes himHe has no fashion sense

He's my ageSora thinks he's gay

The girls like himI don't think I do

Sorry Dai but that makes my mind up, I think we could end up having one of the shortest relationships ever. The first and last bad points made up my mind, I can't have a boyfriend who I'm wishing is someone else, it's not fair on me or him.

Ken said they have arbor days in Australia too, maybe we should have one too.

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Monday April 28

I couldn't tell him! I'm hopeless I know, but he was so pleased that I just couldn't break his heart, I guess I'm going to have to handle this gently. We're going on a date tomorrow, to the Teenage Wolves, strange coincidence? Anyway I hope there's more people this time, last time there was just the Digi-destined and some of the band's friends. Matt was so disappointed. To make matters worse I've got exams all this week too, I hate exams!

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Tuesday April 29

Well today was… interesting school was fine, apart from the three hour math exam, but never mind that, what was really important was the gig, me and Matt kissed again! It was strange, I thought he didn't really care about me that much but I think I might have been wrong before he started Matt asked me to wish him luck and I did, then he said 'what about a kiss for luck' so I kissed his cheek. He laughed and said that wasn't what he really meant, and then we kissed this wasn't like some spin the bottle thing, this was real, intense, the sort of thing people write poems about. Now I'm really confused, does he like me too? Still it's made up my mind about Davis, I'll tell him tomorrow. There were a few more people tonight as well; I counted nine that I didn't know, so it looks like their popularity is on the rise.

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Wednesday April 30 Valborg (Sweden)

Today was either a great day, or a dreadful day, it all depends on how you look at it. I broke up with Davis, which is the bad thing, I explained everything, that I loved someone else, that it wasn't fair on him, what really got me though was how he took it, he just looked at me, gave me a little smile and left. I feel awful I felt sure he'd shout, scream, be all Davis about it but no, it looks like his whole world collapsed. It takes the shine off what happened this evening a little.

Matt came round and he said he'd heard about what happened, and that he hoped I was all right. I told him I was fine, he then asked if it was anything to do with him that we'd split up. I confessed that it was, I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was all worth it. Matt told me he'd only told Tai it meant nothing to throw him of the scent, then he got down on one knee and asked me to be his girlfriend, it was so romantic, just like a movie or something, of course I told him I would. The moment was spoiled by Tai showing up, we've got to be a little careful I guess.

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Thursday May 1 May Day (UK) Workers Day (South Africa) Fete du Travil (France) Dia Del Trabajo (Mexico)

It struck me how many people across the world think today is worth celebrating, and now I do too, today marks the first day of Matt and me being an official couple. It also marked the occasion of my science exam, which is probably not such a cause for celebration.

Although me and Matt are together, me and Matt, Kari and Matt, Yamato and Hikari, they all sound good don't they? Anyway the point is although we're together we still have one major problem, Tai. I said a few days ago he was treating me like a grown up, but no, He had a go at Davis today for splitting up with me, poor Dai didn't even say a word but then again he's been quiet all day. I wonder if perhaps he's more sensitive than people think. Still me and Matt have to be careful not to be caught, it's so exciting, just like Romeo and Juliet. 

Kari skipped through the next few pages, they were all filled with the same things, her and Matt's secret love, little passages about stolen kisses while Tai was out of the room, her and there a love poem or a quote from Shakespeare. Kari sighed at her enthusiasm and youth, in truth she had never fully got over Matt, but prided herself on not needing a man in her life, on being tough. If that were true though, why couldn't she bring herself to concentrate on happy memories? She reached a point in her old diary that brought back a memory so sharply she could not just glaze it over.

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Thursday June 21 Summer Solstice

Well, today was a weird day, me and Matt were up on the school soccer pitch sharing our lunches as we've taken to doing on nice days like today, when Matt gave me a present, it was a necklace, with the crest of light on it, it's so beautiful I can hardly believe it. Then he said he wanted us to promise something that we'd always be there for each other, to fight for each other, and to always live for the moment. I thought it was really sweet and promised him that I would. I wonder if perhaps he knew what was coming because on my way home I was told that Tai was in a fight, I was in for a shock when I saw who he was fighting. I suppose somehow he'd found out about us, and now Matt and Tai were fighting each other as though they were champion boxers. I managed to separate the two of them and somehow persuade them to sit down and talk. Tai told me that there was no way he was letting us stay together, but I told him that I loved Matt, and that he would never hurt me. I don't know what Tai made of this but he seemed to accept it, but said if Matt ever hurt me, he'd 'lay the smackdown on his candy ass!'. This cause Matt to shout 'What?' and the two to engage in another wrestling bout, although this time they seemed to be doing it for fun, so I hope they're still friends. Today was the first time anyone but Tai had ever fought for me, it made me so happy to see that Matt cared enough to do that for me. 

Kari smiled; it was perhaps the best day of her life at that point. No she told herself, it was the best ever. Although her brother and boyfriend had cuts, blooded lips and bruises everywhere she couldn't have been happier, the two most important men in her life had cared so much. Kari sighed thinking of the passage she knew was coming up in a few months time. She skipped past June, July and August and the happy times she and Matt had spent, she knew them all without reading them. She skipped past September, ignoring the amount of concerts she went too, and how few references to her friends there were. She went straight to a date in October she remembered all too well.

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Saturday October 27 Daylight savings ends (US & Canada)

Well, it is done the fairy tale romance is over, but I'm not going to be all soppy and cry about it, I know it has to be this way. It has to be this way for both of us. This way Matt can go with his band on this tour, I know he's got the talent to make it big, but he's so stupid he'd rather stay with me than follow his dreams. I've been wondering lately why he ever fell for me in the first place; I don't deserve someone like him.

His expression when I told him we were over was just like Davis; I'm starting to think that I'm good at hurting people I care about. Still at least Matt talked to me, he said that it was probably for the best and that no matter what happened he'd keep his promise to me. That meant so much, but not enough to make me change my mind we always were two very different people, and lately he's grown even more distant, so grown up, I don't think he wants a kid like me anymore. When I got back Tai said that if Matt had hurt me he kill him, but I told him that I'd hurt Matt, not the other way around. Strange I half wanted him to get cross so Matt would have to come and save me. But he didn't it reminds me of something from our song "there ain't no luck in these loaded dice". Goodbye Matt…

Even now she was unsure why they had done it, her friends all had their own theories, but she didn't care to her them, all she knew was that it was the only call she could have made. A week later Matt had left for good, without even telling her. The Teenage Wolves had gone on to have huge success, and she guessed that by now Matt had probably married some super model, after all with his looks and money practically every girl wanted to be with him. There was only a little part of Kari that felt pleased to have been his first girlfriend, the rest of her couldn't think about him without wishing that he were still with her. Where had that come from? No way was she going to get all emotional about something that happened years ago. She was in no mood for the irony of the situation when Yolie called her she had won two tickets to the hottest gig in town and as 'a welcome to your new house' gift she was taking Kari. The very last thing Kari wanted was to see the Teenage Wolves, and not just because of Matt, she hated their music, every song seemed to be about lost love and despair, but hadn't Matt always been gloomy? Still if it meant so much to her best friend Kari would go along, she packed away her diary and loaded the boxes of stuff into her car. Kari didn't notice a necklace with an engraving that looked a little bit like a sun that was tucked into an old cardboard box, buried under old clothes as if it didn't really matter very much.


	2. Broken promises that blow on a wild wind

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"One Last Roll of a Loaded Dice" by Luke's Dragon

Part II "Broken Promises That Blow on a Wild Wind"

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Disclaimer

I don't own it, but then again you already knew that.

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Author Notes

This is Part II and it is a songfic based upon 'Wild is the Wind' by Bonjovi from the 

'New Jersey' Album and it is Yamato's view on him and Kari. As in the last part Kari was 20 this will make Yamato about 23 so "The Teenage Wolves" is a little silly as a band name but it's still cool so never mind...I think Part III will be either Davis or Tai's view it just depends who I fancy writing first, although both will get their say.

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The Teenage Wolves were coming to the end of another concert, as his band started the last song lead singer Yamato Ishida thought back to the time in his life this song always reminded him of. The time when he had let the most important thing in his life slip away from him, the time that he had broken the only promise he had ever made. The time that he had given up on love. And although many years had passed, and every groupie wanted to be with the blond haired singer, he only wanted one girl, the girl with a light in her eyes, the girl he had lost to pursue a dream.

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I tried to make you happy, 

Lord knows I tried so hard to be what you hoped that I would be

I gave you what you wanted, God couldn't give you what you need

Kari, Damn it, why could he not stop thinking of her lately? Whenever he sung she came back to him, happy or sad whatever the words, everything reminded Yamato of Kari. Kari who he had loved, Kari who he had let slip away. When it had come down to it, he was still the loner, the one who always played it cool, who never let his feelings show. Perhaps if all those years ago he would have, could have let her know just how much she had meant to him. Maybe now he'd be holding her in his arms. Would that be better than being a superstar? Regretfully he thought that anything would sure be better than being a lonely superstar.

Yamato was glad of the stage lighting, it hid the lone tear that escaped from his blue eyes, his usually iron self control letting him down for a second as he thought back to the time the words he sang were once his.

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You wanted more from me than I could ever be

You wanted heart and soul but you didn't know baby...

Was it true, had Kari wanted more from him than he could give her, or was it the other way round? Perhaps it was more a case that he was just glad of an excuse to escape, every time he had ever opened up to anyone he'd got hurt. His parents, TK and Tai had all hurt him somehow, perhaps it was just fear that the same would happen with Kari. He had often wondered what would have happened had he stayed, perhaps him and Kari could have patched things up but a week after they broke up the band had secured a record deal, and that had been the end of it. Matt had left his childhood friends behind him to become a star. At the time he had thought it was fate that they had split up, otherwise he would never have been able to leave. Now, he still believed it was fate, if he had still been with Kari he would not have had all the experiences, all the wealth, but still he didn't know what he'd have preferred.

He had always thought the way they broke up that Kari would never miss him, and he had felt that way for a while, but then he had lost contact with Tai, their friendship had fallen apart. Yamato often wondered if it was because he had hurt Tai's little sister that his best friend had stopped wanting to even talk to him. Now he felt alone, the two people he most wanted, at all the gigs, all the awards to be with him, to share the good times hated him. That last line 'you didn't know baby' well he was damn sure Kari never knew just how much he'd end up missing her. As the chorus began, and the fans screamed his name, Yamato wished that he could be back at a cold youth club singing a song to his best friend's sister. 

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Wild, Wild is the wind that takes me away from you

Cold is the night without your love to see me through

Baby, Wild, wild is the wind that blows through my heart tonight

Wild, wild is the wind, you've gotta understand baby, wild is the wind

It pained him to think of how those words had hurt Kari at the beginning, the night of her sixteenth birthday they had kissed, everyone else had just assumed it was a dare on some stupid party game, but they had both known it was so much more. Later that night he had told Tai that it meant nothing, he hadn't realized she was listening, and had nearly blown his chance. Well this time he had really messed up, it had been almost three years since they had seen each other, and longer still since they had spoken. It had taken him so long to finally admit to himself and his friends how he felt about Kari, most were shocked, Joe and Mimi had both said they thought he'd end up marrying Sora, and having a few children. Yamato had always found this a ridiculous idea, just like someone who'd once thought he'd give up his dream of becoming a rock star for some strange career what was it they'd said, an astronaut? Sora herself had said she thought him and Tai would end up together, after all, she had laughed there were enough signs the two were more than friends. Yamato again didn't think that was ever going to happen, once when they were younger they'd been close, but he'd always wanted true love, not just sex and drama like he'd have got from Tai. Only his brother and Tai had got it right, TK was upset at first but he got over it, the two brothers had always been close. In fact Matt thought, had he and Kari stayed together he wasn't sure if he'd have TK or Tai as his best man. Tai had not been so understanding when he had found out, he had told Matt to stay away from his sister. Matt hadn't listened and the two had come to blows over it, and had almost ended their friendship. Matt didn't mind though, something's he had told himself were worth fighting for, that made him think of his promise to Kari…

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You need someone to hold you, somebody to be there night and day

Someone to kiss your fears away...

I just went on pretending, too proud, too weak, too tough to say

That was always the damn case, he'd never been able to tell people how he really felt, he'd been unable to tell Kari how much he loved her, to tell Tai how much their friendship meant, to tell TK how proud he was of him. Maybe he wouldn't have lost touch with them if only he could have, but it was never going to happen, Yamato Ishida never opened up to people, he'd never been good at it before, but after he had left Kari he had promised never to let himself get hurt again. Had it worked, he wasn't sure. True no one could break his heart if he never let anyone get close, but still after all the record sales, all the millions of fans, all the money he couldn't help thinking the happiest memories of love were all about Kari. Just a girl who he had once told he didn't love, strange to think, but at the time he really believed that, he really believed that money and fame meant more to him than she did. His band all asked 'what about your dreams, didn't you achieve them?' but in truth he didn't feel like he had, it was soppy thinking he knew, but without his friends it didn't feel like he'd accomplished much. 'Man! I'm starting to sound like a Disney film! Nothing without my friends I don't believe that really. Do I?'

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I couldn't be the one to make your dreams come true,

that's why I had to run, though I needed you

It was true; he'd never been able to make Kari's dreams happen. He still remembered it she'd said she wanted him to always be there, to protect her, to fight for her, and he'd promised, upon his crest of friendship, on Gabumon's name, on his heart, on his life that what ever happened he'd always fight for her. He soon was able to put this to the test, Tai had found out about their relationship and, in typical Tai fashion had challenged him to a fight, why Tai always tried to settle everything with his fists Yamato had never known. The two had both been ready to kill each other, Yamato had thought it nice that neither one had been prepared to back down, she had been too important to them both. Kari had separated the two when she had found out, and although she had been cross that the two had fought, Yamato still felt pleased remembering that she would always fight for him too, they could have true love forever. Sad, but it seemed 'forever' didn't seem to last very long in real life.

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Wild, Wild is the wind that takes me away from you

Cold is the night without your love to see me through

Baby, Wild, wild is the wind that blows through my heart tonight and tears us apart

Wild, wild is the wind, Wild, wild is the wind 

you've gotta understand baby, wild is the wind

One hundred and sixty nine days, is how long 'forever' lasted. The same length of time his promise lasted too. Then they had split up and it had all been over. He couldn't remember her exact words but they had both agreed that they should spilt up. Was it something about having changed, or had he done something to upset her without ever knowing? What hurt the most though was his broken promise, he hadn't fought for her, and at the very end he had just agreed 'this was for the best' and walked away. Strange but he hadn't considered it before, but there are more ways to fight than just throw a punch. He should have said 'no, don't leave' he should have never taken that damned recording contract and stayed, proved to her how much he cared. But he couldn't, maybe if he'd have been stronger, braver, more like Tai he could have…oh what was the point? 'Its over, it has been for a long time, just forget her Yamato, don't go wishing for things that can never be.'

For a long time he hadn't thought about Kari, although sometimes, hell everyday it was a battle to stop himself. Maybe it was just being back in this town, the place he had grown up that brought back so many memories, but they were happy memories, and perhaps… No there was no going back, 'she's probably moved on with her life, who am I to say she should stay stuck on a jerk like me forever?

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Maybe a better man could live and die for you

Baby a better man would never say goodbye to you.

He hoped that she had found a better man, someone who'd never hurt her the way he had, someone like Davis, he felt sad to think how he'd got his heart broken all those years ago. He liked Davis there was something about his constantly cheerful demeanor that seemed infectious, although he couldn't help remembering how quiet the boy had been when Kari left him, he had never spoke to Yamato again since. 'Just another casualty of Yamato Ishida'. That hurt too he'd never wanted to loose a friend and leave him broken hearted, it would have been nice to think that maybe Kari would have seen Davis for more than just the outer person, who was always pestering her. People always said Davis was a cross between him and Tai, so perhaps with elements of him and Tai, he could make a better go of it, maybe make Kari happy. 'Then again, he couldn't really make a bigger mess than I did'. Yamato didn't notice the girl in the fifth row with a camera case around her neck, and a light shining in her brown eyes, even if he had, Yamato Ishida never talked to girls he met at concerts, especially ones who reminded him of Kari.


	3. Tears of a Goggle Head

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"One Last Roll of a Loaded Dice" by Luke's Dragon

Part III "Tears of a Goggle Head" 

Disclaimer

I'm just holding it for a friend; it's not really mine! 

Author Notes

The last two parts have been Yamato and Kari (which if you've read them you'll already know) feeling upset about the way things ended. This part offers a slightly different view from the view of someone who got hurt. This was going end up as a Yakari with them getting back together, but now I feel really sorry for poor Dai, hmm do I smell a Daiken coming on, or maybe I could get Davis and Kari back together…?

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A lone figure sat by a grave in the rain, he wore on his head a set of swimming goggles, and the rain was coming down with such force that anyone with the sense of humor amused by such things would have said 'at least you can swim home'. He shook his head at the thought, these were the people who would have said 'nice weather today…for ducks' and laughed. Although the goggle boy was usually a cheerful soul that was not the case today, this was a day that even without the rain would have not seen him smile. Anyone walking past would have felt a sense of sympathy to see the goggle headed youth out in the storm, but there was no one, unlike this young man most other people were somewhere warm and dry. The soaking figure did not want to be warm or dry, he felt that today only sitting by his friends final resting-place in the rain, freezing cold would do. Fighting off a chill he was asking himself one question, on that he could not find an answer to. He wanted to know why the world seemed to hate him so much? It just didn't seem fair, after all he was a nice guy, he was kind to fluffy animals and small children, and he gave to charities, well actually he'd bought a pair of jeans from a charity shop once, but it was the same sort of thing. Still though the world seemed determined to make his life miserable. It had all started close on five years ago, when he had been fifteen, and Kari had just turned sixteen, _no it goes back further, it started the first day I ever saw her, I really thought she was the one for me. _It was true, the first time he laid eyes of Hikari Kamiya he'd fallen in love with her back then he'd thought nothing would ever change that. This had turned out to be wrong, but not that far off the mark, he had once thought that not even death could stop him loving her, _I never thought you off all people would stop me loving her though. _Growing up Hikari had always been there for all of her friends, that was just the sort of girl she was, kind, generous, _a heart breaker. Well she sure broken yours, and mine too I guess. _Well, he thought _it's true all throughout our adventures everyone thought that she was so perfect and I guess I did too, everyone certainly thought I wanted to be with her maybe I did, once upon a time. The sad thing is, there's no happily ever after for any of us in this fairy tale._   
It made him feel sad to think of all the nights spent wishing that they could be more than friends, and watching as he noticed all the little signs telling him she wanted someone else. He'd always known that for all her suitors there was one boy he could never compete with, someone he had always looked up to, someone he had once called 'friend'. Even now it hurt so much that she had chosen Yamato Ishida and how because of him he'd lost two of his best friends. People had often compared the two of them, there were of course obvious similarities between the two, it was only to be expected really, but he'd never hurt her like that idiot had done. Crest of friendship, that was a sick sort of joke, he hadn't been much of a friend back then. Looking he hated Yamato, that jerk had lost Tai as a friend, not because of the fact Yamato had dated his sister, but because of the lies. _The fact he'd told Tai and me he didn't love Kari and we both believed him, well that really stings Matt, and even now it still hurts. _As the rain washed over him, the boy was glad of his goggle, the rain was making his hair gel run into his eyes, and that stung so he put his goggles down to protect his eyes. _I just wish they would have worked back then, maybe I wouldn't be here now, if it weren't for my stupid tears…_

The goggle boy thought back, now he was standing in Hikari's house, it was her sixteenth birthday, and a memory he had tried to block out, but it was important, that's where it all started to go wrong. It had been a great night and then the news had been all around school on Monday 'Hikari Kamiya is dating Davis Motomiya'. It didn't last though, in less than a week it was all over and she was with him. It hurt him to recall the next few months were all wondrous for the happy couple, and he had to bite his tongue and pretend to be happy for them, what else could he do? _I could have done something, told Matt what he was doing to you and me too. Maybe, maybe if I had said something you'd still be alive. I used to blame my self but now I know it's all his fault, but I can't blame Kari though, even after everything I still have some stupid feelings for her._

It seemed bizarre that after everything she had put everyone he cared about through he still had some shred of emotion left for her; some tiny hopeful part of him wanted to be with her again. _Stupid really I haven't seen her since you died, and I know she still loves Matt, but I'd like to at least give us a try, but maybe I'd just be doing it for you._

The reason the boy was standing here today was it marked the anniversary of the death of his best friend, strange that he now considered Takeru to be his friend, they used to be rivals because of Kari, and then she had brought them together. It hurt him that no one else had come today, but it wasn't really surprising_, after all TK, no one knew you like I did_. Tai had put some money towards the flowers but had said he couldn't face coming, it just made him angry thinking about it._ I'm angry too, that jerk Matt too wrapped up in his big shot career to come to the funeral. He's never even visited you has he TK? Still if I saw him here, I'd do the same as Tai and punch his lights out. It always stuck me as odd how you were so ambivalent about him. I could never understand how you could be so angry with him, but still care about him; still I guess he was your brother after all. And Kari, I thought she might show herself but she's probably still moping that the love of her life left her. _Davis still found it strange that after Kari had left him, and then started dating Matt all on the same day TK had become his closest friend. Davis had gone in on himself and hated going out or even talking to his friends, but TK had stood by him and always been there. TK had been the one who was even more hurt by Matt's actions than Davis himself, his belief and respect for his brother had been undermined when he took up with Kari, TK had said he should respect his friends feelings, but it hadn't worked. Both TK and Tai fell out with Matt over it, Tai had at least tried to seem happy for Kari's sake but TK had just stopped talking to his brother entirely. _You didn't even know he'd gone until I told you, and even then you didn't care much. Well that's what you wanted us to think but I knew differently, I saw those tears you cried, and you didn't mind, I'm glad I could help you through the tough times too. _After Matt had left the two former rivals had become close friends, and although they gradually lost touch with most of the other digi-destined they always stayed close friends. _And I think I fell in love with you TK, I never told you, and I'm not sure if I'd have ever done anything about it, my heart never healed after Kari broke it, but I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you when we sat together watching your stupid kung-fu movies, I wanted to tell you when we played soccer, and you never liked soccer did you? But you always played for me. I wanted to tell you as you lay on the street dying in my arms, I wanted to tell you as the ambulance took you away from me. I wanted to tell you as they put you in the ground, and I want to tell you now, but it's too late. Too late for you my Takeru, too late for us and too late for me as well, when you died my heart did too._

Three years ago Takeru had died, Davis remembered it, but it hurt so much when he forced himself to think about what happened that he tried not to, but today, well it seemed only right he remembered his friend. The intense heat of the flames, the child trapped and terrified, the desperate woman pleading for them to save her baby, the fear that stopped him moving. Now he could see it clearly, Takeru fighting his way out of the inferno holding the child safely in him arms, then collapsing into his arms coughing from the smoke and still smoldering. Davis knew deep inside even as he heard the sirens approaching that there was nothing anyone could do. He remembered what Takeru had said, 'stay strong Dai, because I'll always care about you'. They were the last words he said. Takeru Takaishi died in the ambulance at the age of seventeen, and although many people came to the funeral of the 'tragic hero' there was no sign of his brother the rock star, or his childhood friend Hikari. Even now he didn't know what to do, TK had told him to move on and fall in love, but the two people he had wanted to fall in love with hurt him so much. So why did he want to see Kari again, o tell her how much he hated her for how she had treated him and TK, or did he want her for something more? Davis shook his head, it was starting to get late and the rain seemed to be letting up as he turned and walked away. He paused and turned back and deliberately took the goggles off his head, he knew Kari had never liked them very much, but TK had said he liked them. Anyway he'd always wore them for this trip, they reminded him of a far easier time, when all he had to worry about was getting eaten by evil Digimon. Looking sadly at the epitaph on the grave he placed his goggles down next to two other pairs, one for each year since TK had died. _Three years already, I never thought I'd miss you so much TK, I never knew how much you meant to me until you left me_. Daisuke Motomiya left the graveyard to face his demons alone as a rainbow started to form in the sky above him.


	4. When Courage Fails, and Friendship Dies

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"One Last Roll of a Loaded Dice" by Luke's Dragon

Part IV 'When my Courage Fails and Friendship Dies'

Disclaimer

As I said in the past three parts I don't own it. *Sigh*

Author Notes

It's strange really, I'm writing this, so you'd think that I could choose what happens, right? Wrong, when I started this it was going to be Matt and Kari splitting up then getting back together, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen, so I'm a little stuck for pairings, perhaps I shouldn't have killed TK off so if anyone has any preferences, or suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them…Anyway this chapter is from Tai's POV. The next one is going to be TK's view if only I could be struck with some inspiration, or be able to settle on my pairs then things would go so much quicker. 

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Tai sat down at his desk, he didn't know what to do with his time, he had been planning to go over and see how Kari was settling into her new place, but she'd gone out somewhere, so now he was stuck for ideas. Turning on his radio he heard a voice he'd know a long time ago singing at him. As the track ended the D.J was excitedly telling the world that song had been the new one from the 'Teenage Wolves' and how it was the best song the D.J had ever heard. Tai sighed to himself, although it had been almost five years since he had spoken to Matt it still felt exactly the same hearing him sing as it had done back then. The radio was now on about some competition to win the 'Teenage Wolves' latest album, all you had to do was write a letter asking the band some questions, and the best ones would get free albums. Smiling a smile with absolutely no humor in it Tai picked up a pen and started to write, he had some questions to ask Matt, 'although' he thought to himself 'I don't really want to win'.

Dear Matt, I have some questions for you I've had questions ever since you just upped and left without a word. I often wondered if you ran away because of Kari or me or just because you wanted to follow some dream. I can't blame you if it was to become some mega-star but I don't think that's the case at all, I think you ran because you were scared. That's right you were scared of being without Kari, or perhaps you were scared of being with her I don't know which it was but I think it was the later, that'd be just like you wouldn't it?

Perhaps I'm angrier with myself than with you, I thought I knew you, I thought that it would be great if you were with Kari, that you'd never hurt her, I thought that crest of friendship meant something. I was wrong about that, and about me too, I always thought I had courage to face whatever life might throw at me, now I'm not sure I can anymore. I feel as though I let Kari down, I feel as though I should have talked to you before you left, but I just couldn't find the words. I wonder did you steal my courage that night you stole Kari's heart?

Everything seemed to change on that night, first of all you got really distant, although I know now it was so I didn't find out about you. But, at the time I thought that I was loosing you, I didn't want too loose you, I always believed in you and me as the greatest friendship ever. Was I wrong Matt? Were we really that good together, if we were how did we let it slip away from us? Do you remember we once both promised Kari we'd fight for her no matter what, when it came down to it though, neither of us did, just one more damn promise neither of us could keep, we've had a few of them haven't we Matt? 

We once promised to always be friends, but that didn't work out either, the day you thought you couldn't tell me about you and Kari something died, maybe it was too much to hope that our childhood friendship could last forever, but… But I used to always think that no matter what happened, I'd always believe in you, and the saddest thing is I still do. How stupid is that, after everything you've done, you hurt my friends, you broke my sister's heart, and despite it all, I still believe in you. Pathetic, maybe I should have had your crest of friendship, seems it's me not you who deserves it.

Still though, I can't stay mad at you, I used all my anger up along time ago, now there's just hurt and pain. Strange to think but I doubt you'd recognize me if you saw me now, I always used to be so brave, I always thought I was unafraid of making mistakes, It's not true anymore though. I'm afraid of making the mistake of falling in love with the wrong person…like you, perhaps that's why me and Sora ended up splitting up, I was always worried that I might end up like you. Do you remember how I used to always rush in headlong, and how much you and Sora used to despair, you always thought I'd end up doing something stupid and end up hurting everyone, in the end though, it was you who did that.

I'm not talking about Kari now, it's your love life, and after all it was so long ago…What I'm talking about is TK, do you remember him Matt? Your brother, the one you claimed to care about, the one who died, the one who you didn't even say goodbye to? I went to his funeral, there was just me and Davis there for him, where were you Matt? No, I know the answer, I saw it on the news that night, and you were on a chat show, promoting your new album. Damn you Matt, it's good to see you've got your priorities right. You always do what ever you damn well please, and let everybody else deal with the consequences, people always said I was the impulsive one, but it's you isn't it?

And I promised myself that I wouldn't hate you, just one more promise I couldn't keep, there seem to be so many of those lately. It's just so sad that everything went wrong, sometimes I want to kill you for everything you've done. Then other times, I just wish we had one last chance, I'd try and make things right for all of us, then maybe you and Kari would still be together, TK would still be alive, and I'd still have my best friend there for me. I'd change things, I'd fight for what I believed in, as opposed to just letting you go, it wasn't a case of pushing you away, I just . . . didn't pull you back.

There are times when I can't be strong, for Kari and for me, sometimes I feel disappointed in myself, I was the leader and I let us all fall apart, but the one thing that keeps me trying is that I have you. Or I had once upon a long time ago, perhaps I should have took our friendship a bit more seriously. Now everything I valued seems to have gone, and maybe it's as much my fault as it is yours. I used to think you betrayed me, but I guess I betrayed you too

So, I only have one last question Matt, why? Why did you leave her, I always thought that you of all people wouldn't let the one you love slip away. I wonder if I ever really knew you at all, I hope I did for me and Kari, I hope you're still the same guy who used to be my inspiration.

What was the use? He was never going to send this letter, hell he didn't even know where Matt was now, sad to think that two people once so close could end up like this, so much less than friends could. Tai screwed up the paper and kicked it accurately into his bin along with several other letters he would never get around to sending.


	5. Some Things Aren't Meant To Be

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"One Last Roll of a Loaded Dice" by Luke's Dragon

Part V Some Things Aren't Meant To Be

Disclaimer

This is silly, I'm not going to say I don't own Digimon, since everyone knows…I just said it didn't I? Oh well.

Author Notes

Okay this chapter is from TK's view, and I feel a little disappointed that I didn't make fun of his hat it just didn't seem to fit with the spirit of the chapter. I was struck with inspiration for this chapter when I heard the song on the radio. It is _If Tomorrow Never Comes_ by Ronan Keating, although in the story it's Matt's band who are singing it. Anyway the parts _in Italics are TK's thoughts, and_ the song lyrics are inside those little symbols that look like 'noughts and crosses' boards, like this # do re mi ti so fa la! # It's not great as an example, but then again, I'm no Yamato Ishida

Takeru Takaishi collapsed into a warm bath, hoping that the claims of his bath bubbles that they would 'help relax and ease those tired muscles' would prove true, but somehow he doubted that anything would help him now. Today, he had let Davis talk him into playing football in the park; this had been fine, until the game had ended up a final score of 98 Vs 100, after three and a half hours of play. TK groaned he didn't mind football in small doses but this was too much for him.

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Although it didn't really take much persuasion, I'm happy just to be with him lately. I wish I knew what was going on in my head. This was something that was playing on TK's mind more and more recently, and he had a growing suspicion that he was falling in love with Daisuke Motomiya. It had been coming for a while though, ever since _then_. Ah yes 'then' a space, which TK tried to forget, a space around about six months long, two years ago in which he'd lost his best friend and his brother. _But I don't mind because it led me to you. No that's a bit of a lie I do mind, I miss Matt…No, what am I saying, I don't miss that jerk, he just upped and left without even saying goodbye. _That memory hurt even now, the fact that Matt had just gone one day, it reminded TK of his parent's divorce, and how suddenly Matt had been ripped out of his life. Back then it had been down to his parents, and it had hurt them both, but this time there had been no-one to blame apart from Matt, his brother, his friend, his Goddamn idol. _Of all people, I'd have thought you'd have known how much that hurt, even now I still can't believe you'd have left me without a reason._

There was a reason though; his former best friend Hikari Kamiya. If her and Matt hadn't split up TK was certain that Matt would have stayed, he hadn't talked to Matt about the event, he'd tried but his brother had never been much of a talker, he'd always liked to keep everything inside. _Guess we're more alike than I'd care to admit_. The Davis issue was a case in point, he didn't want to say anything not because he was afraid of rejection, the problem he was fairly sure that Davis felt the same way about him and TK did not want to fall in love. After loosing Kari and then seeing how Matt had hurt everyone because of her, TK had sworn never to fall in love. _If I did I'd end up hurting him, I'm just so afraid I'll end up like Matt. He said once that the same blood runs through our veins, back then it comforted me, but now it's the stuff of nightmares_. Knowing this TK was still left with one question, why couldn't he get Davis out of his head?

TK lay in the bath, hoping that his bubbles would start working soon. He turned on the radio and listened to it for a while, then came the next track, and he was shocked to hear a familiar voice singing back at him. It was apparently the new 'Teenage Wolves' single, TK was about to turn it off when he realized his hands were to wet to do much, deciding that death by electrocution wasn't a great plan he left the song playing, and try as he might he could not ignore it.

# _Sometimes late at night I lie awake and watch her sleeping_

She is lost in peaceful dreams so I turn out the lights lay there in the dark 

And the thought crosses my mind if I never wake in the morning 

Would she ever doubt the way I feel about her in my heart?

If tomorrow never comes will she know how much I love her?

Did I try in every way to show her everyday she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through she must face the world without me

Is the love I gave her in the past going to be enough to last?

If tomorrow never comes

'Cos I've lost a love once in my life who never knew how much I loved them

Now I live with the regret that my true feelings for them never were revealed

So I made a promise to myself to say each day how much she means to me

And avoid that circumstance when there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes will she know how much I love her?

Did I try in every way to show her everyday she's my only one?

And if my time on earth were through she must face the world without me 

Is the love I gave her in the past going to be enough to last?

If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love just what you're thinking of

If tomorrow never comes #

Despite the warmth of his bath water the song gave TK a chill and it made him think. If he was to die tonight then Davis wouldn't know how much TK cared for him, and after everything Davis had been through recently TK didn't want to put him through anymore pain and hurt. It was still strange that the once hyper goggle boy had changed so much. After Kari had shattered his heart Davis had lost all of the exuberance of his youth; he had become withdrawn and depressed. The rest of their group had all been busy with their own love lives or didn't seem to care, so it had fallen to TK to be there for his rival. It had been strange for them both at first but they both had something in common, they had both lost Kari. _Yes Kari, I know we both cared for each other, and we both agreed that we'd always be friends, but I only ever agreed for her. Back then I loved her as much as Davis or Matt ever did_. During the time that Matt and Kari were together TK was always there for Davis, whenever the goggle boy was down TK would be there for him to pick him right back up again. _Back then he used to say I deserved the crest of Hope, but soon he showed me how much he deserved his crest of friendship too_. It had been a few days after Matt and Kari had split up, TK had gone over to Matt's place to see how his brother was doing. But his brother was not there, he'd just left a letter addressed to Takeru and it simply said 'You'll be much better off without me' Yamato. Maybe it was the formality, or the simplicity, or maybe it was the way a floodgate of pain opened up and washed over him as all his childhood hurt came flooding back to him. TK could still remember Davis finding him crying in the park in the place he and Davis had first promised to be friends forever. Davis had told him that he knew exactly where to find him, and on a cold October evening Davis had been there for TK, just as TK had been there for Davis when he needed a friend too. From that day onwards the two had been as close as _brothers, why did I choose that term, perhaps because after everything I still want my big brother to come back to me_. TK had been there when Jun had gone away to university and when Matt got his first number one single Davis had been there for him as well. Now they were here, TK laying in a bath, listening to Matt, once again advising him. _Even after everything, I'm still going to listen to you big brother, tomorrow I'll tell Dai how I feel about him and to hell with the consequences…Just like you would do, damn it Matt, why can't I forget you? _

TK spent the night working on a plan; today he would tell Davis how he felt about him, so he wanted it to be perfect. As luck would have it there was a fun fair not too far from them, so TK had called Davis and asked him if he wanted to go. _Of course he said yes, Davis and fun fairs seem to go together, and maybe it's not a candlelight meal, but that's what you'd do isn't it Matt? _The trip was short, though not uneventful; TK was starting to regret taking his usually bouncy friend to somewhere that he'd be even more hyper than usual. _I know it's good that he's back to being cheerful, but note to self; do not let Dai eat any candyfloss we want a serious talk later, not him bouncing off the walls with excitement. _With it being a weekend the place was packed full of people, TK couldn't help feeling a pang of jealously as he watched couples walking around arm in arm, and wishing that he could have something similar too. 

As the day was drawing to a close TK decided that now was the time to speak up.

"Hey Dai, can I talk to you about something?"  
"Sure"

"It's kind off tricky, I should just come out and say it"

"Hold on, we haven't been on that ride yet!" _Great, I'm about to pour my heart out and he sees a ride to go on, hold on, he's isn't pointing where I think he is, is he?_

"TK come on, we have to go on all of them, it's a tradition"

With that Davis grabbed TK and pulled him towards 'the tunnel of love'. TK couldn't help noticing it was only male and female couples that were in the queue, and felt his cheeks turning a bright red as people started looking at them. _I can't believe this, I'm just about to tell him and he takes me here. Wait could this mean he feels the same way about me too? No way, like he said, he just wants to go on all the rides. But then why is he holding my arm, it must be for a joke, yeah, that's got to be it, hasn't it? Okay, stop blushing Takeru, you wanted this, if you and Dai get together, you're going to have to put up with some people staring. _Davis telling him, to get in the plastic swan since it was their turn interrupted his thoughts. _Well, perhaps I can tell him here how I feel._

"Hey Dai I've got something to tell you"  
"Yeah, so have I, can I go first?"  
"Sure"

"Well, it's like this, I erm, well I've…I've had a great time today"

"…Yeah, me too we should do it again sometime" _Huh? Did he want to say something else, or is my mind playing tricks on me?_

"Thanks TK, you know for always being there for me"

"Well you're always there for me too"

"No matter what, we'll always be friends, right?"

"Right, I promise" _Is that relief in his eyes? Could he perhaps feel the same way too? Please let him, I'm going to tell him…no I'm not, the ride is coming to an end. And once again I do a Matt, making promises I can't keep…But I think I could keep it, and maybe you used to feel that way too, I still can't believe that you'd say something you didn't mean._

Since they had now gone on all the rides, and it was starting to get late the two left the fairground and began to walk home. It seemed to TK that both of them were trying to tell each other something, but neither seemed to be able to find the right words. This was starting to get to him, that he was as guilty of it as Davis, and decided to take action, at the same time fate had a nasty trick ready to thwart this attempt too.

"Dai, you know what I said earlier?"

"That we were never ever going on the spinning teacup ride after a meal ever again?"

"No, about having something to tell you"

"I remember, what is it then"

"Well it's like this I…That house is on fire"  
Once again neither could have the chance to say what they were feeling, TK and Davis ran over to see what was going on, the building. It was once a large five bedroomed detached house was now little more than an inferno, flames licked around the roof, and inside the windows all that could be seen was smoke. TK was taking in the scene when he caught sight of a woman coughing from the fumes screaming that her child was still trapped upstairs. TK called for Davis to come with him; his friend seemed to be unable to move. TK had no time to think as he race through the flames and into the house.

The word 'Conflagration' came to TK's mind as he battled his way through the hall and up the stairs. TK didn't know quite what 'conflagration' meant, but this certainly deserved to be called one. He continued to struggle through a thick haze of smoke as he continued up the stairs, coughing furiously he looked around for where ever this child might be hidden, his mind racing, a combination of adrenaline and fear, and somehow he ended up once again thinking of Matt. _Once all I wanted to do was impress you, to make you see that I was grown up and as brave as you. I hope this impresses you Matt. Hell maybe I might even get a birthday card. But if I died Matt, would you know, would you even care? I bet you wouldn't strange how things changed so much between us, I always though you'd always be there for me. _

He scanned the upstairs hall, the noxious cloud of smoke choking him and making his eyes water, finally he saw a door with a colorful picture of some sort of collectable monster, whatever the kids of today were into. Forcing his way onwards he opened the door, to see a small boy of about five or six sitting paralyzed with fear in one corner. TK ran up to him and threw him over his shoulder and began to battle his way out of the house. The flames and smoke seemed to have consumed the whole house now and he could hear loud noises from other rooms as electrical equipment exploded causing the blaze to become even more ferocious. Coughing again as more smoke got into his lungs TK charged down the stairs, his clothes ablaze and his chest filled with toxic fumes. He ran out onto the street, placing the child down gently and then staggered over to where Davis was still standing, with a stunned expression on his face.

Takreu Takashi who had less than an hour ago been having fun on a coconut shy tried to focus every ounce of energy he had left, using all of his strength to let him stand up and at least say something, anything to his friend. He tried to fix his gaze on Davis, but the smoke had gone to his head and he staggered and fell almost in slow motion, allowing a few embers from him to singe the lawn around him. Davis knelt down and held his fallen friend in his arms, tears escaping from his eyes as if they could put out the flames and heal him. Through his bleary eyes TK felt sad to see the remains of his hat reduced to ash. _It had been a good hat, and more importantly it had been a present from his brother. Perhaps then it deserves to end like this. _

He could hear voices, telling him to 'hold on', and he could hear tears falling and the faint sound of a siren rapidly approaching, but in his heart he knew that it would not matter. He vaguely recalled the times in the past that Angemon sacrificed his life to protect him, or when Matt would have gladly given his life to protect him. TK's mind was racing with a million different thoughts, but still everything seemed to happening slowly. _Perhaps this is what it feels like to die, but I don't want to die, I want to stay here with Dai, forever._

But it's too late. Too late for you my Daisuke, too late for us and too late for me as well. There's so much I want to do and still so much I've wanted to say. Please Matt, help me…I feel like I'm dying, if this is the end for me, I have to say it.

"Davis…"

"TK, please don't go, please I…I…" His voice trailed off into tears

"Davis…I…stay strong Dai…because I'll…" 

He tried to continue, but he couldn't finish, try as he might. He opened his mouth to tell his best friend that he loved him more than anything in the whole world, but only smoke came out, then he closed his eyes and let the darkness claim him, his body ached all over and his throat was too dry to speak. TK had always hated the darkness, the darkness of evil and the dark of the night, this was something else though, darkness he couldn't fight. His mind racing slower and slower he wished just for a second that his brother could be here, and tell him everything was going to be all right.

__

Damn it Matt, get out of my head, I don't want my last thoughts to be of you, if this is the end I want to spend with him. He's holding me now, if only this could last forever. It reminds me of you though, you used to hold me when I was scared. And now I'm going to end up just like you, I'm going to hurt the people I love and leave them behind. Damn it Matt, why did you have to go? Please don't let this be…the end…Hell I can't think straight…I don't want to leave you Dai…please don't let me turn out like him…

# So tell that someone that you love just what you're thinking of, 

If tomorrow never comes #

The following day the death of rock star Yamato Ishida's brother made the front pages. They all said that it was tragic that young Takeru Takaishi died a heroes death at the age of seventeen, and how it overshadowed the Teenage Wolves latest album 'Brotherly Love' going triple platinum. All the papers said Yamato was 'devastated' by the news, they all said that the two brothers were always really close and that they had 'a special bond'. They never reported that his funeral was held on a wet Wednesday afternoon attended only by a heart broken boy in goggles, and an older boy who looked like he might have been the older brother of the goggle boy. He was in actual fact the older brother of the deceased's childhood friend, and former best friend of 'devastated' rock star Yamato Ishida. But then again, that didn't sell papers or records.

Three years later the spirit of Takeru Takaishi looked down onto a rain swept grave yard, there was only one person there today, hardly surprising given the rain, the figure was once again wearing a pair of goggles and knelt in silence at a grave side. TK watched him for what seemed like forever, wishing, praying that there was something he could do, wishing that he could say three words to him, wishing he could touch him, let him know everything was alright. Everything was not alright though, Takeru knew he was out of Davis's life, no matter how much either of them would wish things were different, it was over.

Davis had once remarked that the saddest thing was, there's no happily ever after for any of them in this fairy tale life. How true it seemed now. Tai, Davis, Kari, even Matt all would never have the chance for the happiness they all wanted. _And neither will I, perhaps if I'd have told him I would still be there for him. Dai…I hope you know I loved you then and I love you still, not even death can stop that. _  
TK watched from above asDavis shook his head and started to walk away then Davis paused and turned back and deliberately took the goggles off his head and placed them at TK's grave. The pitiful sight, the melancholy, another word he didn't quite understand, but knew it fitted, and the sheer gloom of the situation even effected TK, despite the fact that he knew the dead shouldn't feel emotions. Every year Davis did this little ritual, even death didn't stop Davis being there for him. He watched as Davis read his epitaph, it simply said 'Takeru Takaishi died too young. A friend, a son and a brother to be proud of'. And at the bottom a simple engraving, the word 'Hope'. As the most important person in his life walked away from him TK wanted to call out, to let him know that he would always be there for him too. But it was no use; all the words he wanted to say would never come now. He could never tell Kari that he wished they could have had something special, he'd never tell Matt that he forgave him, and no matter what, he would always love his brother. Love, he would never get that chance to tell his beloved Dai that he loved him so much, and that he wanted to spend his life with him, and now Davis would have to face this world without him. A rainbow in the sky indicated that his time was once again up, and there were so many words still left unspoken.


	6. With Loaded Dice it’s Never Hopeless

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"One Last Roll of a Loaded Dice" By Luke's Dragon

Part VI- With Loaded Dice it's Never Hopeless

Disclaimer

L *Sob, sob* it's not mine, still I can go on hoping

Author Notes

Okay I've got a little lost so far and feel I've been a little harsh on Kari and Matt but it'll all make sense soon. (I hope…) the next few chapters are going to try and bring everything to a happy conclusion, the only slight problem is I'm not usually too keen on happy endings, but I've been in a cheerful mood lately since I've finished university for the summer (apart from stupid exams). 

~~~~~~

As the encore finished the noise in the arena reached almost deafening volume the band left the stage, but despite the fact thousands of people were screaming his name Yamato Ishida was not a happy soul. But then again he was never a happy soul the whole image of the band was modeled around an angsty front, and a permanently depressed lead singer. Even if he had wanted to, being cheerful was not a real option, his manager had given him instructions to act as dark as possible, something about 'image rights' or something. 

Recently he had grown to hate this situation, once a long time ago it had been him and four friends playing to a 'select' audience, then they had made it into the big time and their record label had appointed a new manager for the band. True they had had success, but at the cost of everything that had once made them themselves. Matt sighed at the memory of the amount of times he had threatened to quit, but there were contracts and 'legal issues' and he had been told that these things were too much for him to fight. _Just like back then, I was afraid to fight for Kari, and ever since, I've been afraid to fight, I just let myself be carried along by everyone else's wishes. I wonder what happened to that kid who always used to stand up for his beliefs and dreams? No, I remember I lost him the day I said goodbye to my friends._

No I didn't even say goodbye, I left Tai without a word, and I left a note for TK. A note! How stupid and insensitive can I be? No that was a rhetorical question, I already know the answer, and man I really messed up on this one. 

Yamato left the band's dressing room without a word, no one thought anything of this, since Yamato never said very much anyway because of the image rights, or something.

He walked silently through streets that he had used to know, there was something about being back in his own hometown that brought back so many memories. Memories of him and TK as little kids playing together, of the time Digimon came into the real world and he and his friends fought and defeated them together. Then there were memories of him and Tai, 'best friends forever' growing up, days he had once thought would never end. Then there were memories of **her** ones that kept him up most nights, ones that inspired him to write his most depressing songs, ones that he prized above all else. Kari! Why did everywhere he went, everything he looked at, everything he did, why did everything always remind him of her? _Why, because I haven't got over her yet, and I don't think I ever will. _The amount of times he had wanted to call her, or write to her, anything just to have some contact with her again. Not just to get her back, _although that would be great_, but if she didn't care bout him anymore, then perhaps he could move on. _Or perhaps I couldn't, five years and I still love her, I don't think anything could stop me now. Not even you TK. And I know you'll never believe me, but I never meant to hurt you, and I should have been there for you, I was just scared, scared of seeing her. I know that's a lousy reason, but that's just how I am, an idiot who never knows what's important, until it's far too late_

It had always played on his mind that he had not been at TK's funeral, but even if he had not been scared of seeing Kari, he wouldn't have been allowed. He had 'responsibilities' to the band, and couldn't just go off on 'personal' trips. Or at least that's what his manager had said.That had been three years ago, and ever since his relationship with his manager and the band had gone down hill. Now he only turned up out of a lack of choice, and even now he would have quit on the spot, in only he could find the courage. That was why he was headed for the graveyard, to find his little brother, the one that had always been there for him. _I know I don't deserve this, but please be there for me one last time TK._

It was the first time that he had been to the grave of his brother, the rain of the afternoon gave the place a clean, crisp smell but couldn't erase the sadness of the place. As Yamato wandered onward he wished deep in his heart that he could have changed things. He wished that he could have said goodbye to TK properly, rather than just leaving him a letter, but if he had he was certain that his brother would have cried, And that would have made him want to stay. _Would that have been so bad though? If I'd have stayed I would have had a chance to mend things with Kari, and maybe I could have stopped you from dying. Even if I couldn't I'd have liked to say goodbye. _As the rain started falling again, he arrived and immediately noticed a fresh bouquet of flowers, and three sets of goggles laid out by the headstone. Yamato wondered why they would be there, but he'd lost touch with everyone, so there was no way he could attempt to understand why any of them did anything any longer. Once again he wanted so much to change things, to still be friends with everyone to know why they did the quirky things they did. He knelt down on the wet grass and let his memories run away with him, thinking of all the good times they had been through. And now he was all alone, even his brother had hurt him, and then left him. _No, I can't think like that, it was me who hurt him, and me who left him behind. None of this is your fault; it's all because of me. I'm so sorry TK; I should have never left you. _For the first time that he could recall, Yamato Ishida could not hold his feelings inside. He broke down in tears, the first time he had cried since he and Kari split. He cried tears for his friends, for Tai and all the things they had never done, for TK and all the words he had wanted to say, he pounded the damp earth at the unfair world that had taken his brother from him. He buried his head in his hands cursing the fact that he had let everything go o badly wrong, his inability to tell people how he was feeling, and the way he had broken so many promises to his friends. He hated the way he had become little more than a puppet, a tool for making money. _Maybe I can't change the past, but I can change the future, tomorrow I'm quitting the band and to hell with the consequences. And maybe if I feel really brave I might look Tai up, and tell him I'm sorry. He'd probably try and kill me, but I deserve it, and I wouldn't mind it'd be just like the old days. I'd give everything I have just for one last chance, TK I might not be able to say sorry to you, but I promise you I will make it up to everyone else. I won't let this carry on; I don't want to hurt anyone else the way I hurt you._

Friends were one thing, and although, he might be able to find the courage to talk to Tai, Kari was a very different issue. He wanted to see her again, he wanted to tell her that he had never stopped loving her, that even after everything he had been through he still though that the best times in his life had been spent with her. But what if she didn't feel the same, if she didn't want to see him, if she had found someone else…He didn't want to think about it, if he didn't try he wouldn't get hurt. _Hasn't worked so far has it? I got hurt when I didn't try last time. What would you do if you were here TK, would you go up to the one you love and tell them how you feel? Hell I'm staring to sound like one of my own songs. But I have to try; I have to do something to stop myself seeing her every time I close my eyes. _He could hear someone approaching, so he stood up and wiped his eyes, whatever else he'd lost he wasn't about to lose his dignity by letting anyone see him cry. _I'm leaving anyway; I know what I have to do now TK, thank you. I just wish I could have been there for you when you needed me too. _He turned around and nearly knocked into the young woman who he had heard walking up the gravel pathway, but that wasn't the most surprising thing, that was reserved for her eyes. They were a chocolate brown and seemed to sparkle with an inner light, that reminded him so much of someone he used to know. Mumbling an apology for walking into her he turned and started to walk away, but he froze in his tracks when the woman called his name.

"Matt, is that really you?"

The End.

~~~~~~~~~~~

…

…

…

The Hell it is

…T.b.c.


	7. Without You

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"One Last Roll of a Loaded Dice" by Luke's Dragon

Chapter VIIWithout You

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A/n

I'd almost forgotten about this fic until I got a review, which reminded me I had left more than a few loose ends to tie up. So we plunge onwards with another songfic chapter, set to Queen and "Who wants to live forever?" 

Cue the angst as Davis tries to deal with loosing TK

~~~

Three years, five months, ten days and just over three hours. That was how long it had been since Davis had been truly happy. It was of course the exact amount of time that he had been alone in the world, the exact amount of time he had been without Takeru. 

__

And I never even told him how I felt! I was always too afraid that I'd end up wrecking the best thing in my life. Now look at me, just walking alone in the fog trying to find something. I don't even know what it is I want. Is it some sort of closure, a resolution, forgiveness for never telling him, for not helping him out? If…if only I'd have gone with him maybe he might still be here maybe one way or another we'd still be together. Sometimes it really is so hard to carry on living without him.

Walking on Davis didn't notice or care as minutes turned into hours, the gloom of the day into the added gloom of night. Hours turn into days, days into months and it all just blurred into one. Every day just like last, cold dark and lonely with nothing left but memories of a better time so many years ago. Sometimes he felt like an old man with all the pain he had seen in his life.

# _There's no time for us there's no place for us_

What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us?

Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever? Who? #

If he had been given the chance he would have spent forever with TK, or at least now he would have. Back then he had been frightened, understandable really… well maybe… at least perhaps it had been. Whatever, if he could just turn back time there would be so much he'd do differently. Number one would have told TK just how much he cared about… No scratch that how much he loved him. Number two would be that he would hunt down Matt and give him a bloody nose.

Days turn to weeks, weeks into years and nothing ever changes. Things don't get easier, you don't get over the pain, maybe it hurts a little less, but not much. You don't ever get over it, because it was, no is someone who you care about.

__

Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to but that's not likely, I haven't spoken to many of the others for years now, except Tai and maybe it's harsh on him, because he has been good to me, but I don't want to talk to him about this. I don't want to talk to anyone apart from TK about this. And that's as sure as Hell not going to ever happen again. 

# _There's no chance for us, it's all decided for us _

This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever? Who? #

__

Destiny? Is it my destiny to feel like this? Is this some grand plan that I should be alone and without him? This can't be true, I don't believe in destiny, I don't believe TK was supposed to die that day. If someone up there made that happen then Damn it I don't want to believe in them. Takeru... why did you have to leave me?

Destiny was always something he had been aware of; after all he was a (former) digi-destined. As though this was something that was supposed to be. Had it been inevitable that things would turn out like this, Matt tearing them all apart, TK dying Davis being left here to try and carry on?

He hadn't really 'carried on' more just been carried along, days turn to years and nothing ever changes. It doesn't get easier, scars don't heal, and hearts don't un-break. Years turn to forever and sometimes when you least want it to forever lasts forever.

# _Who dares to love forever? Oh! And love must die_

But touch my tears with your lips; touch my world with your fingertips, 

And we can have forever and we can love forever, forever is our today #

In his dreams he could still see TK, smiling, always smiling and full of the hope that had always made him who he was. Sometimes Davis felt like TK was the only one who had deserved his crest. God knows both him and Tai were guilty or a major lack of courage, Tai for never following through on his hearts desires, something that he and Davis shared, courage perhaps only extended to charging in headlong, not telling people important things. "I love you" three little words and maybe it was a horrible cliché but damn it they really were hard to say. 

But it was his own lack of courage that fateful day that really hurt, the fact that while TK ran into a burning building, quite literally into Hell, he stood outside paralyzed by fear. A lack of courage and a lack of friendship, what sort of friend, let alone lover would let the person that they loved and admired more than anything else in the world go through that. To die in their arms without ever being able to say what he really felt. Was that Matt's legacy to him?

__

Was it my fault? Should I have gone with him? Would it really have been the worst thing in the world if I had died with him? Is it that wrong to want to be with him even now? I dream of him sometimes and he's always happy, always telling me not to worry, to move on with my life and to fall in love again… Again? I wonder if that means he knew I was in love with him, or if it's just screwed up wishful thinking on my part. Screwed up in the head is right. I can't move on, and even if I could would I really want to? Am I really ready to forget about him and move on?

Days turn into nights, sleep turns into dreams and dreams turn into another day, another month goes by. What dreams never seemed to turn into was reality.

# _Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever? Who? _

Forever is our today, who waits forever anyway? #

Would it be so wrong to find someone new? To take a chance once in a while and have… Courage? But then he'd be in the same situation as before, wanting to make a move, pour out his bleeding heart and take a risk. Or just stand, paralyzed by fear as something wonderful moved away from him forever. Once again he would blow a great chance for happiness because of his own stupid fears.

__

You live and learn, or at least you live, but I can't seem to learn my lessons. What would TK think if he saw me now, he'd laugh at me I suppose for being such a coward. And then I'd feel alright again because he could always make me feel alright. Now, short of the unthinkable there's no way I can ever have that back again… At least not with TK…

Years turn into forever, forever alone seems like longer, but forever doesn't last. Forever shatters and you have to pick up the pieces one by one, taking each minute one at a time. Minutes turn into hours and it goes on… It doesn't stop hurting, some scars never heal but you have to carry on. There's just nothing else to do, because you can't hurt forever, there isn't a forever anyway. If there was, he wouldn't have said goodbye.

__

If we could have forever I'd take it like a shot, whatever the price I'd be happy to pay it. But it doesn't even have to be forever, even the briefest of minutes to tell him how I felt would do for me. Because if there's one thing I know it's that even minutes can seem like forever with or without someone you love.


End file.
